she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
