Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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