Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
