I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
