yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
