I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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