how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
