I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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