On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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