Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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