he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
