It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
