I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
