he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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