Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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