Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
