You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
