Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I have aggressive nipples.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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