Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
