I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
handjob tips. give me some.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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