i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
