I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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