I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
