My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
