I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
