I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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