If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
