i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
