Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
