i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
