The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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