I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
