Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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