meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
