Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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