if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
