Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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