when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
