Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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