I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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