my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
