I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
