U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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