If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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