i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wish i was in the wii world.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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