doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize