do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
