Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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