He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
