Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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