I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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