Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
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