Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
