I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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