i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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