fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
