I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
