is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
