My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
