In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just invented taco cereal.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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