On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
