I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
