K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
