Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You made out with two different species that night
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
