okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
